The Lord promises us blessings as well as trials. So many times we must go through hardship before we get to the blessing. Other times it is simply hard to see the blessing in the middle of the trial because it may not be the one we expected. God has brought me through many moments of small and large difficulty. Married life did not turn out at all the way that I had imagined when I was twenty three. What does a twenty three year old really know anyway? They think quite a lot of their time and growth on this earth and yet I know now that I had so much further to go. I often wonder how to prepare my kids for this stage in life, but I realize that all I can really do is give my best learned advice and be there when they need a sounding board. They have to make their own way, just as I made mine.
As I was stating, mine didn’t turn out quite how I had imagined it. Call it youth, call it inexperience, call it naivete, I like to call it wanting to see the best in people and then watching as that character trait boomerangs back to smack me in the face. It isn’t a character flaw, but I have learned to use it more wisely, placing faith in those whose own characters have been tested by action not just words.
Finding myself in a trapped state with two children and still hoping for the best from the relationship I had vowed to uphold, there were so many times in church where I prayed for my husband, prayed for my marriage, prayed for strength to keep walking with the Lord when it would be easier to stay at home on Sunday mornings and not journal late at night after the exhaustion of putting the kiddos to bed. I kept hope that just around the corner, there was blessing, there was change, because there just had to be. This couldn’t be all there was, could it?
It was on such a Sunday, where as we prayed after worship, I prayed hard, then listened. In my mind’s eye I was given a vision of a dam. Behind the dam was a torrent of water building, putting pressure on the structure that tried so hard to hold it at bay. The concrete of the dam cracked and finally in a huge burst it broke and the water flowed through like a waterfall, cascading into the valley below and creating a rainbow in its spray. I knew I was breaking, and that God was telling me that when I did his blessings would pour and wash over my small existence, my kids, my family. Something would break and bring those blessings overflowing. And I wept. Right there in church, I cried. I knew I would have to wait. I didn’t know when those blessings would pour through or what they would look like. I think as the years passed, there were moments where I thought we might have seen them, but no change seemed permanent enough to match the vision I had seen. So I waited longer.
In the middle of the waiting, I had to be faithful, persevere, never perfect, but always trying to continue my worship of the Lord and my seeking of His will, as confused as I often was. At just the right time, another child, and many years after the prayerful vision, God opened my ears to the wise counsel of good friends. Friends that I didn’t often get to see or speak with, but whose love for me and my kids is unquestionable, and whose own walks with the Lord steadfast. One conversation happened in July, the next in February, and in March the world stopped turning.
The merry-go-round world stopped turning so that in the quiet I could draw nearer to God and accept an opportunity to grow and be blessed. When my husband left at the beginning of Covid quarantine, the dam broke. The original reason had to do with his mental health and was a break he very much needed, but at the same time, my world, and that of my boys became quieter in a refreshing sense. Time slowed down. Breathing became easier. But this did not come without heartache. This breaking included the breaking of dreams, the breaking of my pride, the breaking of a promise made, but also the breaking of the lies that told me I wasn’t worth more than the relationship into which I had bound myself.
In the fresh air and quiet, I began to love myself again and remember who God made me to be. The fire under me that had burned down to just an ember began to glow with more power as I took back my right to be at my center who I was, like what I liked, and have the opinions that I had without apologizing for them. While lies were revealed and I didn’t leave this time of seeking unscarred, the grace that God gave me to see all things for what they were and understand with a heart of grace, has led to healing through forgiveness. God helped me to see that I didn’t need to feel a victim, I simply needed to walk forward into his cascade of blessings, and holy mother of Moses, were they many!
There are days when I still seek that reserved, vibrant girl, but I see her reflection more and more. In order to find her again, and the wealth of blessing God wants to bestow, something had to break. I wouldn’t wish the breaking of a marriage, or a heart on anyone, but the Lord knows exactly what we need to grow through in order to be closer to him and walk the path he has ordained for us. When I saw the dam break in my mind’s eye, I didn’t imagine that my marriage would end. I imagined my husband would draw nearer to God and be healed of his demons. In my worldly view, I thought I knew what I needed, but God knew better. He broke my image of perfection, he broke the pride that told me I had to fix what was not working, he ripped apart the lies that told me I wasn’t really worth any more than what I had, and he replaced it all with love, grace, forgiveness, and the bravery to move forward into an outpouring of blessing. Something had to break.
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