Growing up, my family and extended family would gather for holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. As more cousins were born, we also gathered for family birthday parties for each kid in the family. By 1992, that equaled almost one birthday a month. Many of us are familiar on days like these with the idea of a big people table, and a little kid table. Even once I was technically old enough not to be considered a little kid, I still got to watch over the rest of them for a couple more years. As the oldest by four years, it was a role I, usually, graciously played. I sure longed for my place at the adult table, though. On the outside, I waited patiently, but on the inside it wasn’t such an easy scene.
Other moments like this crop up for some of us throughout life. There are a lot of different tables we desire to sit at, whether they be actual tables, or just places of connection or inclusion. Tables where conversations are had, decisions are made, or others find community while you sit on the sidelines looking for a place to belong. There are very few places in life where I have actually felt like I had a place at the table, and a few where I feel I’ve lost my place. It is a simple metaphor for not truly feeling seen or honestly belonging. This relates closely with the feeling I struggle with, where God continues to encourage healing and growth. We all have one. Mine is regularly feeling as though I am “not quite good enough.” I always sit right on the edge of achieving qualified enough, or talented enough, but just not quite as good as that other person over there. Perhaps I strive for the wrong things? Yup, working through that thought. But to be honest, one phrase keeps ringing in my head, “Comparison is of the Devil.” Well, so are a lot of other thoughts, because like a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” he will come to you in voices that sound like your own or someone you know. He will twist the words and meaning of a comment that was innocent from someone you love, and “seek to steal, kill, and destroy” your peace with inner thoughts of doubt and self-deprecation.
Last week was a doozy for reasons too complicated to mention. But the outcome of it left me feeling misunderstood, unsupported, maybe even betrayed, and again just not good enough. Seeking validation and understanding from others, I was not met with such at a workplace where I had no choice but to show my face every day. Things have since settled, not perfect, but settled, and in the midst of the inner turmoil I have been asking God to meet with me, but feeling the channels of communication somewhat scrambled. I have felt bits and pieces come through, but nothing tangible. Even so, God still tries to reach us, he is not absent, even when we may think he is. We may cry, “God where are you!?” and though he says “I’m right here,” we do not yet have ears to hear.
On Monday night, a week ago, after an amazing day of worship and word on Sunday, I crashed. Still reeling from all the feelings of the previous week, along with a couple Sunday items, I heard that voice, “You’ll never be enough. They’ll never truly see you.” “They” is anyone I am trying to work with or be in fellowship with. It left me feeling so lonely that I came home from work, took a hot shower, and wrapped in my towel, laid down on my bed to just BE. I stared into nothingness. Hubby was playing a song from the worship set we were to play the following week. Some of the lyrics beautifully pleaded, “from the need to be understood, and the need to be accepted, deliver me, oh God.” At that moment, I got angry. How dare a song come on IN THAT MOMENT, that reeked of exactly what I was feeling. NO LORD, I do not want to cry this away, I want to hang on to it! I do not want to hear that someone else has felt this way and that I am not alone in my struggle. THIS ONE IS MINE. I’m so frustrated, Lord. Turn that off. Truly wanting to sit in quiet to process my tumultuous feelings, I asked Hubby to turn it off for a bit. He did so and came to talk with me. We processed. I complained. In doing so, I came to a place where I could get up and continue the work of the evening. But I was not ready to meet with God on my feelings of inadequacy just yet, and he waited patiently. Thank goodness he does.
Throughout the week, God squeezed through moments of communication, speaking through the static of emotion and busyness that sat like a cloud on my soul, blocking out clarity. In a quick moment of quiet during the school day, I was led to verses that affirmed the inevitable chaos of life, but also assured God’s peace and presence through it.
The next day, the word “steadfast” flashed through my mind as morning coffee awakened my brain. I looked up verses with the word steadfast in them, coming up with a couple. One asks us to BE steadfast and to persevere, which is not a new thought. Paul encourages in 1 Corinthians that we can be “steadfast, immoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:58). The reminder of Faith and Grit from Sunday’s words came back to me. The other was a verse from Isaiah where we are told that God, himself is steadfast. It is written that “the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you” (Isaiah 54:10). Often we are called to be something that seems so difficult in the wake of all we may be experiencing through life, but God does not seem to ask us to be that which he is not first.
While this is all well and good, it doesn’t make perseverance or positive-self talk any easier. It still takes a lot of armor and prayer to keep the devil’s words at bay and to be honest, I just wasn’t feeling very strong or armored up in these moments. Scrolling facebook later that day, fed up with thinking for a moment, I came across an amazing encouragement. Crazy how that happens sometimes. I probably paused on it because it had a picture of a pool, and that looked refreshing in the moment. So longing for summer was I. The author wrote a quick story of how she and her daughter visited a wave pool at a water park and found themselves absolutely battered by the waves in this one section, just tossed around like dolls. Then she made the statement that she had been on her knees, helping her daughter for so long in the pool, that she forgot she was an adult and could stand up! So she stood up! How much easier that made things. Her challenge to readers was to stand up in life. Sometimes, when we get battered, we forget that we can stand up. We can stand up TO people, stand up and WALK AWAY from something that is unhealthy, or maybe just stand up and take a place at the table. Who is to stop us if God has ordained us to be there?
The last seemingly random, but not random word from God came in an email devotion I subscribe to. The title I read at 6:30 in the morning, seeking inspiration, said, “You'll Never Be Good Enough.” Well Gosh, thanks a lot. The point made was that in reality I may never be good enough for my own expectations, or by my own power, but remember that with God all is possible. You’ll never be good enough for yourself or for people God has not ordained to see you as he sees you. But you are good enough for God and the work he has called you to do.
After a week of being given static-infused words from God, something interesting happened. Having fallen asleep early Friday night, I lay awake in the quiet of 3:30 in the morning, my mind wandering. It wandered to all the verses and what felt like random encouragements of the week until they all melded into one singular leading from God:
Stop seeking approval among men or women or yourself. Some will never have eyes to see and man's ideas of what you should do or be are not God’s. He's made you to be so much more than what you imagine, and in ways you can't understand. He didn't make you to be someone else’s version of a mom, he made you to be his creation for your family in this time. He didn’t make you to be seen or chosen by some young man back in high school or college, he made you to be the wife for your husband right now, through all you've walked through.
He's given you a tender heart for a purpose, but you are not to let others step on it because they do not yet have eyes to see you. Stand up and use your gifts.
God has given each of us a wellspring of gifts to use and the Holy Spirit power to discern what to do with them. It's already in you. No struggle is going keep you from speaking Jesus to people. You're never MORE ready.
After all that, my challenge to myself and others is this: Gently teach or encourage those who would listen, but do not be afraid, for God did not make you of a spirit of fear, but gave you one of power, and love and self discipline. Be steadfast, listening to his voice above all. When the world doesn't agree with God's leading, take comfort in that you don't need to seek their approval. God has made you for every time and every purpose. Stand up and let your years, lessons, and struggles still being walked through speak to others about the power of Jesus to help us get up and rise again. Teach with gentleness the things you know and share in story the examples of love and deliverance you have experienced.
You don't have to wait for permission. Stand up. God has given us all the calling to encourage others and share his good news and heart for us. We are all called to be ministers. Use your gifts.
Take your seat at the table. It is the invitation of Christ that leads you there. Accept it. Lean into your role in the greatest story ever told. It's a big big table and there is lots and lots of room for anyone who wants a seat.
Comments
Post a Comment